~AbanDoned X-preSsionz | Exploring Hypertext Journaling~ by Carla

Happy New Year Everyone!

memo — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 16:55:21 GMT

"EAT, PRAY, LOVE..."

It has been awhile...

memo — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 00:14:12 GMT

Greetings to everyone! Here is wishing you a prosperous New Year!!

Breaking the silence.

memo — Wed, 18 Dec 2002 02:18:16 GMT

FADE IN...The past few weeks had been very hectic and left me sufficiently breathless || XpreSsionless. I had crawled into my corpse. Tired and weary from some of the "stuff" which comprise life, I could not find it in me before now to write. The words would not come; that is not to say the words were not there. They were there, but in a specifically scatalogical way and I had not the urge nor inclination to sit down to formulate them into something coherent. So, I had given myself wholly over to the situation which on some reflection, seemed to suggest the concept and essence of the title of this weblog. However, I had hopes that the muse would soon appear.

So now, here I am, resisting the urge to type a bunch of fonts into words to prove to myself that I am indeed writing an entry into this weblog again. I pause between keystrokes to ask myself the point of it all. I have no straight answers so for now it's just baby steps again for me. Perhaps I'll continue posting entries here...FADE OUT.

Virtual PanHandling

memo — Mon, 18 Nov 2002 07:21:52 GMT

Interesting article from { Kuro5hin } about { The Rise of Online Panhandling }LaNMaN2000 writes: "Recently, the internet has been plagued with a vile epidemic: online panhandling. From the woman trying to leave her husband to the car obsessed college student who is seemingly too poor to even afford his own domain name, it seems that every few days another site is launched with the same theme. These sites do not exist to entertain their visitors or satisfy a psychological need on the part of their creators; they are simply presenting a pitch designed to sell their webmasters as helpless charity cases worthy of visitors' financial support. And, it seems like the same marks who would otherwise be paying to import stolen Nigerian fortunes have embraced these sites as another way to flush their money down the proverbial commode."

Seems this kind of panhandling is geting worse owing to the numerous spammails in my inbox of late, with people relating all kinds of hardluck stories and asking for monetary help...are internet end-users perceived by many to be so gullible to fall for these scams? I wonder...

Bronte-The Professor

memo — Thu, 14 Nov 2002 12:15:27 GMT

So much for her Perseverance -- as to her Sense of duty, it evinced itself thus; she liked to learn, but hated to teach; her progress as a pupil depended upon herself, and I saw that on herself she could calculate with certainty; her success as a teacher rested partly, perhaps chiefly, upon the will of others; it cost her a most painful effort to enter into conflict with this foreign will, to endeavour to bend it into subjection to her own; for in what regarded people in general the action of her will was impeded by many scruples; it was as unembarrassed as strong where her own affairs were concerned, and to it she could at any time subject her inclination, if that inclination went counter to her convictions of right; yet when called upon to wrestle with the propensities, the habits, the faults of others, of children especially, who are deaf to reason and, for the most part, insensate to persuasion, her will sometimes almost refused to act; then came in the Sense of duty and forced the reluctant Will into operation.

A wasteful expense of energy and labour was frequently the consequence; Frances toiled for and with her pupils like a drudge, but it was long ere her conscientious exertions were rewarded by anything like docility on their part; because they saw that they had power over her, inasmuch as by resisting her painful attempts to convince, persuade, control; by forcing her to the employment of coercive measures, they could inflict upon her exquisite suffering. Human beings -- human children especially, seldom deny themselves the pleasure of exercising a power which they are conscious of possessing, even though that power consist only in a capacity to make others wretched; a pupil whose sensations are duller than those of his instructor, while his nerves are tougher and his bodily strength perhaps greater, has an immense advantage over that instructor and he will generally use it relentlessly, because the very young, very healthy, very thoughtless know neither how to sympathize nor how to spare.

(Charlotte Brontë, The Professor)

Against the Machine

memo — Thu, 07 Nov 2002 06:28:38 GMT

Road Rage, Computer Rage, Internet / Web / Net Rage, Desk Rage and the { "rage" } list goes on...I've seen it happen. Just this week. A co-worker types something into an online form and clicks the submit button. The page times out and said person takes to pounding his fist into the keyboard causing the computer to have a nervous breakdown while myself and others stare on in shock. So let me ask you, have you found yourself at some point or another physically attacking your own computer? Could be caused by a number of things; supposedly faulty internet connections, frozen mouse, virus infestations, websites taking too long to load or your browser not being enhanced with the proper plugins which causes the browser to crash etc. These I understand, are only a handful of problems which have seemingly become a stress factor for end-users within the digital sphere.

Admittedly, I too have found myself verbally raging against the machine whenever I encounter some kind of annoyance, but going so far as to punch and kick the daylights out of it is something I've never been inclined/incited to do. Firstly, it's just not in me to lose control and physically attack the computer or slam the mouse on the desk or any such thing or God forbid! killing it with a sledgehammer or other weapon in similar fashion as { Gary Wilke } whom, earlier this year went to jail for taking out his aggression on his daughter's computer with a sledgehammer. Secondly, I know how much I invested in my 'puter and how long it took me to save the money to purchase it while in college, so I'd rather just refrain from any physical abuse and simply preserve this old baby for as long as I can. Besides, I just cannot afford another one right now. Nevertheless, it seems this kind of rage is steadily increasing. This { Ananova } article highlights some of the reasons why people are increasingly being driven to web rage.

How about "road warrior rage," the kind attributed to mobile computers. { Jesse Berst } explains: "You get your new laptop. It's small and sleek. You're in love. You go on your first trip together...and you hate it. The battery lasts about 10 minutes after charging it, the modem fails intermittently and you discover you can't stand the trackpad pointing device." Is this cause for physically abusing the laptop?

"Road rage mentality has made it to the Web. Folks aren’t just releasing their aggressions on the highways, and when your site doesn’t perform to your visitors’ expectations, they’re apt to turn primal and take a whack at their computers" says the the team at { Grokdotcom } who presents { Moments of Simplicity }, where "folks can defuse their web rage by listening to some soothing music and viewing some therapeutic images."

Related articles:
PC Rage Hits UK
Rediff Guide
Computer Rage

Shades of Truth

memo — Mon, 04 Nov 2002 11:51:41 GMT

The Paradox of Our Time:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology has brought this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit delete

(Author Unknown)

XDude vs. The Bank

memo — Tue, 29 Oct 2002 02:39:21 GMT

Ever been held up in a bank?

No-- not the kind involving guys in rubber masks with guns vs. yourself/other patrons, but the kind where; say you're on your lunch break and you pop in to do some quick business--deposit a check, withdraw cash for instance and you end up waiting in long lines to see a clerk and, God forbid! after all that waiting, you have to wait some more for instance, when the bank's computer system breaks down or the ATM malfunctions or when you're told you can't get access to your money for a few days via the check you deposited into your account, because it will be placed on hold--I'm talking about the legal hold ups...

On the other hand, sometimes it's not the bank's fault. It's not that the bank hadn't issued you its policy (in small print of course) or warned you when you opened your account 13 years ago or however long ago you've been doing business with your bank about it's check-holding rules, it's just that, you may have been doing business with your bank for so long and have formed a comfortable relationship that sometimes it's taken for granted until that one day when you're desperate; you need fast access to your cash via a check deposit and you learn that the bank will sit on your check for a few days--3, 5, 15, 25-35 days or so until it clears (meanwhile the bank profits from it)--I dare say it has happened to us all at one time or another.

In anycase, I brought this up because I've just come from reading the personal account of XDude vs. The Royal Bank of Canada and his attempt at trying to deposit his Warner Brother's US Check into his bank account. XDude presents his account via an interesting medium. At times you may want to laugh at the hillarious way in which he tells it but it's enough to make you kinda think twice about just what your bank's policies are.

As if things hadn't already been bad enough for Mr. Dude, check out the letter he previously received from Lucasfilm.

Digital Filmaking

memo — Sun, 27 Oct 2002 02:58:42 GMT

An interesting website I recently came across is { DFILM } which is hailed as "one of the first major showcases of digital filmmaking. " Founded in 1997, the founders have the distinction of "organizing" as its mission statement states, "the first ever screening of digital filmmaking at the prestigious Cannes Film Festival in 1999.

According to The Wall Street Journal review of DFILM: "The computer has made us all publishers and broadcasters, so why not filmmakers? As this traveling festival shows, the technology is out there, and it's growing higher in quality and lower in cost every day." The New York Times says "The core of D.FILM's mission is inspiration and empowerment" -

Most interesting is the feature enabled at the Website to allow visitors to create their own movies. You get to choose characters, music, background etc. and enter dialogue to create your film which you can also send as email.
I checked it out earlier and found it a lot of fun. If you care to look, { Here } is my own short "small screen epic" as NYT calls it.

Celebs. and Politics

memo — Wed, 23 Oct 2002 04:12:01 GMT

I have been checking out the celebrity Bush-whacking carried out by Hollywood stars, the latest being "I Am Sam" star, Sean Penn who recently unleashed An Open letter to the President of the United States of America to warn Bush against war.

"Many of your actions to date" writes Penn, "and those proposed seem to violate every defining principle of this country over which you preside: intolerance of debate (“with us or against us”), marginalization of your critics, the promoting of fear through unsubstantiated rhetoric, manipulation of a quick comfort media, and the position of your administration’s deconstruction of civil liberties all contradict the very core of the patriotism you claim. You lead, it seems, through a blood-lined sense of entitlement. Take a close look at your most vehement media supporters. See the fear in their eyes as their loud voices of support ring out with that historically disastrous undercurrent of rage and panic masked as “straight tough talk”.

How far have we come from understanding what it is to kill one man, one woman, or one child, much less the “collateral damage” of many hundreds of thousands. Your use of the words, “this is a new kind of war” is often accompanied by an odd smile. It concerns me that what you are asking of us is to abandon all previous lessons of history in favor of following you blindly into the future. It worries me because with all your best intentions, an enormous economic surplus has been squandered. Your administration has virtually dismissed the most fundamental environmental concerns and therefore, by implication, on gets the message that, as you seem to be willing to sacrifice the children of the world, would you also be willing to sacrifice ours. I know this cannot be your aim so, I beg you Mr. President, listen to Gershwin, read chapters of Stegner, of Saroyan, the speeches of Martin Luther King. Remind yourself of America. Remember the Iraqi children, our children, and your own."

Penn continues: "There can be no justification for the actions of Al Qaeda. Ever. Nor acceptance of the criminal viciousness of the tyrant, Saddam Hussein. Yet, that bombing is answered by bombing, mutilation by mutilation, killing by killing, is a pattern that only a great country like our can stop. However, principles cannot be recklessly or greedily abandoned in the guise of preserving them."

The day before Sean Penn's letter appeared in the papers, Woody Harrelson's own warning surfaced in The Guardian : "I'm an American tired of lies. And with our government, it's mostly lies...This is a racist and imperialist war. The warmongers who stole the White House (you call them "hawks", but I would never disparage such a fine bird) have hijacked a nation's grief and turned it into a perpetual war on any non-white country they choose to describe as terrorist." Barbara Streisand has also been busy on the political front quoting (or rather, misquoting Shakespeare and Julius Caesar) saying in a speech back in September which she gave at a Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee in Hollywood: "So, in the words William Shakespeare, 'Beware the leader who
bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into patriotic fervor...patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind.'"

Many however, believe that Hollywood stars should keep their mouths out of politics and just stick to the business of acting/entertaining--notwithstanding popular radio celebrity Howard Stern, who earlier this year called Sean Penn an "idiot" because Penn had compared Stern and Fox News' Bill O'Reilly to Osama bin Laden.

As to Streisand's quote--she thought she was quoting Shakespeare but it was found out that the quote was actually an Internet prank. Incidentally, I also came across the cartoon the version of the quote which is attributed to Shakespeare.

But fundraising aside, can celebrities really make a political difference? As David Harsanyi posits in his essay False America Idols : "Many...believe celebrities are frivolously easy targets unworthy of our scorn. They must realize, however, that a single voice of a celebrity reaches more common Americans than a busload of think tank intellectuals. The influence of that voice is debatable. The necessity to oppose it is not."

He continues:"Apparently, something extraordinary happens when one becomes a celebrity. With all the attention, money and adoration, the narcissistic pop idol is too easily convinced that intelligence is a by-product of fame. Shooting faxes off to congressman as if they were political advisors, penning opinion pieces for major newspapers, the celeb believes that convictions formed in Beverly Hills compounds are more consequential and relevant than that of the ordinary American."

Freedom writer Peter Lemiska also asks: "How are entertainers like Sean Penn, Barbara Streisand, and Woody Harrelson equipped to educate the American people on U.S. foreign policy? Is their self-proclaimed insight derived from formal education, practical experience, or perhaps from the wonderful world of entertainment?"

My own opinion is that people in general, whether celebrities or ordinary citizens, have a right to speak on, argue and debate political issues. How much of their opinions the ordinary citizen should take to heart is another thing. As Pat Sajak (back in April) said in his thought-provoking speech The Disconnect Between Hollywood and America: "Here in this quiet, peaceful corner of Michigan, you might not have a sense of your importance in the world. I come from a community that has the opposite problem. Because it is so big and so powerful, so great and so well-known, it has an exaggerated view of its significance. That community is Hollywood. Not Hollywood, the town...I mean Hollywood, the Entertainment Mecca.... I happen to have a job that allows me a great deal of flexibility, and that gives me the luxury of living a real life in addition to my fake one.... You see, one of the dangers of my business is that it has the potential to fill you with a distorted view of life and of your importance in it...You see, they are — for the most part — clueless. Clueless about this country and its people. Clueless about you. And they are afraid."

A Red Day

memo — Mon, 21 Oct 2002 11:15:55 GMT

It was a day well spent. Overwhelmed by the almost endless amount of Birthday wishes from family and friends, it was impossible to resist the urge to paint the town red yesterday.

So then, red was my color of choice for the day and I draped myself in it--me the scarlett woman.

The emotional impact of this day was not lost on me..I cried some then laughed some. Occassionally when I had a moment to myself I contemplated the future and imagined myself at a much older age then dismissed it.

Josh focused on and staged the intimate part of the day to evoke an atmosphere of passion and romance, a day which ended on an almost cinematic, but poignant expression of devotion.

It was a day well spent and I painted the town red.

Layouts

memo — Wed, 16 Oct 2002 05:21:37 GMT

Someone's beenYahooing
"premade layouts" so I thought I'd make it the subject of this entry. I remember searching the Web for premade CSS layouts for this site. I had wanted to try something of the CSS variety, having heard and read of the ease with which cascading style sheets can be used to render interesting layouts to any website without the need for tables. Way before then I had followed closely the journey of A List Apart's transition from HTML table-based layouts to CSS design. "There are journeys" ALA states, "that touch the deepest core of the human spirit. And then there is this one. This is a journey from six years of conventional web design practice to the way we'll build sites in the future. Only it's not set in the future. You're soaking in it."

Myself... in the past, I've designed several personal pages; couldn't do them without making use of tables since content appeared clean and neat but, for some reason I had come to like using frames even before I caught on to using CSS. I guess for me, designing a framed site really allowed me to become more "creative," my goal then being to design an attractive content-based site which was easily accessible to others. As Creative Day puts it: "This web site is aimed to let us share about something we ALL have in common, creativity. You might think creativity is a "artist" thing, but hey, no, everybody has it. Yes, your plumber has it, your dentist has it, everybody as it. But do we all use it in the same way? In which ways are people using creativity in their everyday life, to solves everyday problems and make life better?

Anyway, I even went so far as to read David Siegel's Creating Killer Websites Online. As to the subject of frames, I've found Marc Klein's to be an interesting one to look at as a framed example and as if that weren't enough, the site is exclusively done in images. I love it! Another favorite of mine is Colors by Magdalena Donea, a very creative woman whom I admire. By the way in case you are interested, Women in Design is a very nice feature served up at Pixel Surgeon. Again, as to frames, there are many other examples that are worth a look or two or more, if for nothing else than for sheer inspiration. But getting back to CSS layouts, I've come across many--some seemingly simple and others rather detailed and complex, but I admit that I'm impressed with the ability of CSS to somehow make the unseen personal side of a Web author become seen even before one goes on to read content. This type of layout comes across as a form of defamiliarized technique; a sort of merging of the bridge between creative at and literature, making the unseen and unfamiliar, seen and familiar.

The style you see here is one of Eric Costello's Glish layouts. I used this layout as first out of curiosity and then I became hooked. I really makes updating the site much easier than say, if I had to go back and edit something done in HTML table/frames design. There are however, sections of this site where I use tables; purely preferential, though I'm sure I shouldn't have to if I knew more or all there is to know about CSS. However, other sites with great examples are: Owen Briggs's / Little Boxes / BlueRobot's / CSS Layout Reservoir / Firda Beka's / CSS Colouring Book / WebDev's / Free CSS Layout Templates / and Eric Meyer's / Css/Edge /. For any kind of layout for your personal site or weblog a good resource is Beautify Your Diary and my personal favorite Elysian Fields Designs. If you've read this far, I hope you found something of interest. Let me know...

Clarity in Experimental Women’s Writing

memo — Sat, 12 Oct 2002 16:40:22 GMT

In her essay “Feminist Poetics and the Meaning of Clarity,”{ Rae Armantrout } questions the role of clarity or legibility in experimental women’s writing. Armantrout takes issue with the way women identify themselves in their writings with regards to the Lacanian symbolic order which really excludes rather than include women whom, unlike men, do not possess the phallic organ.

For Armantrout, if women identify themselves within the symbolic order it would necessarily mean that they have to transform themselves into the phallic image (and to my own mind, become or write as men). Looked at in this light, a woman who subscribes to the Lacanian order has, to Armantrout, misrepresented herself and perhaps other women in general. I wonder...Is this done intentionally? There seems to be some confusion and perhaps this is why Armantrout asks the question: “Does so-called experimental writing seek a new view of the self?” (295).

I think the answer is “yes.” Armantrout seems to arrive at the same answer herself for as her essay preceeds, one becomes aware of her preference for women/writers who place themselves outside the Lacanian "order" for in doing so, they are in fact resisting patriarchal conventions. Her explication of Sharon Olds' poem
{ The One Girl at the Boys Party } makes her stance clear. In Olds' poem, Olds has allowed the persona and daughter to enter the male dominated realm by, as Armantrout says, “using her daughter as a phallus.”

Clearly, Armantrout prefers exclusion from the symbolic order. Let us be “outsiders” then, she seems to be saying. One is also reminded of Virginia Woolf’s Three Guineas in which Woolf asserts that women are indeed a community of outsiders. Only by being outsiders, that is, by resisting the symbolic order can women truly clarify themselves.

Emmergence...

memo — Wed, 09 Oct 2002 04:03:38 GMT

One beneficial effect of yoga is that it stills the body and soul. Such stillness tends to allow a person to open oneself...to feel, to listen, to love. It may or may not be the same for you, but it sure is a hell of a stimulant to begin the day. And then there's coffee. I've been practicing yoga for over five months. It began out of a curiosity that quickly became something I now find impossible to put off. Many months ago I awoke one day to find myself at the bottom of a deep, dark, valley. I had slipped into a depression I had never known before. My closest friends knew that something was not right long before I did. They warned me to mind myself when I had laid in bed for more than a week.

At the time, I thought I was just tired from studying too hard, working, trying to find a new apartment, raising my son, stressing out about paying the bills, about my family, college and life in general and when I finally lost the job I had, not that I hadn't seen it coming, I guess by then I had slipped so far in the valley I could not find my way out--I felt I had lost track of my purpose in life. In fact, I remember just wanting to stay there and being mad at my Friends who wanted to help; (you truly know who your friends are in times like these)who, in spite of my protests and initial resistance threw me the lifeline I desperately needed. I am incredibly grateful for the love and support they offered in the "valley" days.

As to yoga, that helped a lot too. I had began attending classes with Josh. It was a struggle at first to motivate myself but he would not let up. "You'll feel better, trust me" he would say. And so step-by-step I began to reclaim myself, my life's purpose through yoga. Each evening Josh would fetch me and we would go to classes at one of the borough centers.

One day, not long after I had begun the classes, it dawned on me that I had left the valley. I don't know the exact point when, but I suddenly realized that I was myself again; that my mind was once again harmonious and even more so than it had been in a long time. I've stopped attending the evening classes but yoga is an integral part of my morning routine just as much as a nice cup of vanilla flavored coffee is.

Yadda Yadda...

memo — Tue, 08 Oct 2002 03:45:01 GMT

Ran into an old friend from college today...brought back memories of my last couple of semesters there; memories more bad than good, perhaps best forgotten if only my "self" would allow them to be erased from my mind. Easier said than done. I nevertheless miss some of the friendships that were formed; friendships borne out of similar interests--hobbies, understandings about life, work, school, places visited together, dreams, hopes, concerns and misunderstandings too....

My friend and I use to be very close in college until "stuff" got in the way. Now, running into each other the way we did, we barely knew what to say or even where to start. We tried to get over the wedge between us but old hurts, betrayals, anger and unspoken thoughts got in the way. Perhaps we tried too hard, perhaps not enough; we both had changed.

in looking back I can honestly say that the "stuff" which ruined our friendship amounts to one word, WORDS. It's amazing really how one or two words can change a relationship irrevocably. The sheer force of words can translate into something crucial. Sometimes I think words speak more than actions rather than the other way around. But is doesn't matter does it? because both have consequences. The slightest word or action can change someone's entire world profoundly and a once budding relationship can become altered in ways that causes the whole thing to collapse. Our friendship fell apart because of words. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise. Words, nevertheless, can have enormous effects and are often the catalyst for far reaching effects such as an unalterable friendship.

In other news: I was happy to learn of the new addition to Sadia's family--a precious baby girl! You go Sadia!

The news channels today were filled with talk of Bush's political strategy of focusing more on Iraq than on the declining American economy. Shibley Telhami (New York Times) observes: ''Powerful ideas are willingly accepted because they inspire, not threaten. Even those who are reluctant to embrace democracy...have understood the need to emulate much of America's economic approach lest they be left further behind. And in embracing a new economic approach, they have also unleashed a political process they will not be able fully to control. Ultimately, America's role is to assist in the spread of democracy and, above all, to inspire. Wars may simultaneously open up new opportunities for change, as in Afghanistan, and close others, as in Pakistan. But democracy cannot be dictated through war, especially when war is opposed by people of the region.'' Do we really want to be distracted by fears of going to war?

I came across { this } interesting article on upper eyelid surgery in the Asian-American community. The article pose the question: "In the realm of plastic surgery, where Jewish women undergo rhinoplasty and African Americans alter facial characteristics with nose jobs, lip reductions and skin lightening, it seems as if distinct ethnic features are treated as a handicap. The surgical technique to augment two flitting folds inspires debate in the Asian American community. Is it a sellout to western ideals of beauty, or is it a way to make an Asian face more, er, complete?"

On the Job front...last week I settled into my new job. It's been a while since I've worked a nine to fiver but I'm getting used to it. The commute from upper Manhattan is not so bad--well, except in the evenings getting home at rush hour. The trains are unusually crammed then. This evening two men almost got into a fight because one of them stuffed his bike into the already packed car and the front wheel grazed the other man's suit. An argument ensued and this caused the train to pause a lot longer than normal before easing out of the station. Much to my chagrin and other passengers as well, just as soon as the train doors were about to close, the man with the bike backed his bike out of the train while goading the other man to take him up on a challenge to take their fight outside on the platform.

Of course, the other guy didn't yield to the offer but just the same, the train would not pull out of the station until the doors were properly closed, thanks to the biker shoving his bike further into the car. As if that wasn't worst enough, there was hardly any room to even shift a leg because some other guy was traveling with a big leather chair; an office-type chair which, although he had managed to maneuver it into a corner of the car, it made it so that everyone seemed to be standing and holding on to the hand-rails at a slight angle. It was very uncomfortable. Fortunately however, the discomfort eased greatly when the man with the bike got off the train three stops later and although more people piled in, there was still enough room to at least breath. Thank God the air conditioning was working!

Well, I'm off for the night. Sleep beckons. Goodnight.

Distractions

memo — Sun, 29 Sep 2002 05:08:47 GMT

|| Goodnight! It has been a week of distractions.||

||Had the sniffles; a couple of job interviews; light switch in the bathroom wouldn't switch off; computer problems; searching the yellow pages to find a repair technician(affordable) to replace the power supply and fan; and fighting spam.

Good news though--will start a new job this coming Monday; new office, new location in Manhattan's West Village--I'm excited.

Today I decided to install Microsoft fax on the notebook. It took a while to configure as I wasn't sure of the correct port to print to. I was using the modem port then I tried the unknown port I saw listed there and finally, realized that the communications port should have been the one to try in the first place. It worked fine thereafter and I felt pleased.

Still having the sniffles though, but feeling a little better. The constant coughing and sneezing has stopped. Will take another dose of medicine before bed and hope I won't wake up feeling as shaky as I did this morning. I'm off now. Cheers!

(Oh, been noticing and monitoring the very specific queries by one (1) visitor for some time now...) ~hmm~

Life's Journey

memo — Tue, 24 Sep 2002 17:27:19 GMT

|| "Life is a journey." ||

|| I've always liked this quote. We're always in a state of motion. Over time, wherever our lives lead us, we have had to contend with the hundreds of starts and stops, progress and regress, to and fro's like the swing of a pendulum, in our quest to strike some sort of balance; some sort of middle ground.

My experiences have taught me what the quote suggests, that there is never a set destination in life. I once read somewhere that as long as we are alive we are always in the process of becoming and that all our journeys in life are journeys in self-discovery. I agree. No one remains static and unchanging.

I think everu journey we begin or pause, forces us to discover something new about ourselves. I've heard some say that they have learned all they need to learn and others of us say we learn something new each day.

Still, what we do with our knowledge will show in our daily lives, not only by way of where we live or work, but by way of how we live and work--Giving back to those who help us, helping the needy, taking time out to play with a child and hearing that child's laughter, being loyal to our family and friends, expressing love to those who seem undeserving or simply sending them love from afar. This I believe, is what life's journey is all about.||

Lighthearted...

memo — Mon, 23 Sep 2002 02:19:50 GMT

The camera like the computer is a part of our everyday lives. I dare say that most, if not all American home houses one of them. But how would you like it if the computer monitor itself could take your photo? Perhaps this is not a breakthrough...

However, on the off chance that you might be interested, you can test the theory at { Monitor Camera }. The Specs: "You can now take your photo using your monitor FOR FREE.

How does it work?
Scientists have discovered a way to process computer driven gigatron technology back to you from our servers using monitor flash resistance.

System Requirements.
Windows, MacOS 7.6 or greater min. Internet Explorer 3, Netscape 3, AOL 3.0 or greater. Any Monitor.

Is it Safe?
Yes, It will not harm you or yourcomputer in any way. It is just like taking a regular photograph.

Depending on how you look at it you may be pleasantly surprized or aghast at the results rendered right before you on screen.

Today...

memo — Sat, 21 Sep 2002 23:30:42 GMT

Sitting in the wooden seats at the park this morning, I found myself allowing the quiet warmth of the sun to nudge me into acknowledging my weary state. The longer I sat there and watched people come and go; the bike riders , joggers, children playing in the grass adjacent to the sprinklers while patient mothers observed, it dawned on me at some point how relaxed I had become. The nervous energy had somehow slipped away--I lost nothing. I told myself that I need to be more attuned to my body; do what it asks of me, get more sleep for instance. I resolved to walk tomorrow.

Back at home I'm lounging about the house. My cat Terri was in a skittish mood, running about and trying to get me to play hide and seek with her. I did for a few moments. It's her favorite game. She runs to the bathroom and hides in the bath and when I sneak up to peek at her all I see are her eyes peering over the tub then she scrambles out and runs up to the bedroom. Crouched behind the wall of the doorway she awaits me to come find her then she sticks out her paws and soon races back into the bathtub while I'm distracted by the phone.

I was not in the mood to go the movies which disappointed a couple of people. The charged up intensity which is midtown Manhattan is something I didn’t feel like participating in so for today, I welcomed the calm of home, my instinct being to take it easy and not get caught up in the frenzied pace at which I have lately been living my life...

I checked my email soon after and learned of a secret admirer (gulp)... then browsed around online a bit. Read the local news and learned of the rescue of the fishermen who were stranded off Fire Island because of engine problems. The wife of one of them was irked because she thought everyone was making the fact of the men including her husband's being missing, too big a deal...hmm. I afterward decided to continue working on Abandoned XpressionZ Phase II but lacking inspiration I put that off and browsed over to Chasing Hats where I came across a link to a bunch of works by G. K.Chesterton. Not too long ago I had read his piece On Lying In Bed which can be found in its entirety here, thanks to managing editor/blogger { Joshua Clark }. Related to this, Kirke had left the following comment which I found interesting:

"On Lying in Bed - brought to mind Matisse
who in the last few years of his life, when he was in his 80's and confined to bed, continued to work until the day he died. He would make cutouts of colored paper and instruct assistants where to place each one. Some of these mammoth designs were used to create stain- glassed windows and ceramic murals.
"Or he would draw in bed, his charcoal pencil fixed to the end of a long bamboo pole. In this way, he completed many large sketches on paper pinned to the walls, as well as simple line drawings made directly on his walls and ceiling. Surrounded as he was by the faces he had drawn, Matisse said in last days, 'I am never alone.' "

I next visited { Karina } who has just landed a job teaching beginning users to use the computer. Sounds like a fun job. She 's also a Libran like yours truly and I get the sense that we're of like minds. I afterward jumped over to { Tom's } to read his latest entry wherein among other things, he observes the unpredictable changing nature of sites such as { google news} and reflects on his being called facetious by a teacher during his school days.

I recalled too that before I had tossed myself into the community of blogging, Tom's site was of those I visited regularly. For me, his humor was an acquired taste. He is quick to seize on the humor inherent in the blogging world and for as long as I've read his stuff, I've found that he does so in a rather nice and not absurd manner. I think it was around the time I discovered Tom's site that I also discovered Magdalena Donea's Moments.org which was also a darling site. Life's little "moments" was at the heart of her writing and her style was starkly engaging. Moments is no longer operational but Maggie as she prefers to be called (I think), is still busy and her site { Colors } is a different though welcomed change from what moments.org was--It delves into the erotic. You can also find her at { MIMO }

{ Moluv }

was my next stop. I like Maurice's layout and he has a wealth of resources listed including sites which are pure eye-candy to novices like me, but inspirational nonetheless. I hadn't been to { Kaliber 1000 } in a while so that became my next point of entry. I kind of miss the old design they had there. I remember when they went offline for ages it seemed, and I wondered whether they were actually coming back. They debuted with a brand new style, somewhat similar in terms of the frames layout they adopted in the past, though aesthetically different. The depth of the site calls for much more interaction on the part of the user however and I'm wondering if they still have the desktop displays as I was not able to locate the link. Did they actually change things around again?

Well, the real world beckons. I must put away this guilty pleasure of mine and heed it's calling. Josh is fast asleep and I have a craving for a vanilla chocolate bar. Tonight after dinner we'll perhaps finish watching The Guardian.

Good Evening!

Longley on Life's Quest

memo — Fri, 20 Sep 2002 02:05:33 GMT

"For me, this is what the future is all about: the endless quest for understanding how things work and what else is out there. It's the journey, not the arrival that matters. It's the unanswerable question of what it takes to make the perfect world and the perfect life ... It's the constant experiment that counts; never knowing what will turn out right, what will turn out wrong ... Human beings are discoverers, inventors, experimenters, creators, of an unknown and chaotic future. We will go on doing what we have always done: our best to try to understand it all. We will continue to shape the future -- not necessarily the future we want or the future we expect, but the future that will just happen. Whether we like it or not."

Richard Longley

Mentionables

memo — Thu, 19 Sep 2002 09:19:10 GMT

I read somewhere that sex is back in style again which made me wonder why I hadn't noticed that it had gone out of style, what with all the competitive branding of eroticism that is the nerve and pulse of advertising and which testifies to our own individual carnal and erotic natures--call me ignorant if you must, but it's impossible for me to imagine sex ever being out of style; which leads me to mention this site:{ How New York City Transformed Sex in America }, a project investigating "the sexual subcultures of the city's past and present, and explores the means by which they have influenced the development of modern attitudes about sex and sexuality." If you're homoerotically inclined, or if you just like good writing in general, David K's not for the faint of heart { diary } which has links leading to other nooks and crannies on the Web is interesting too.

I found the following letter which I snagged from Dan Savage's { The Onion } rather amusing. "I am dating a Japanese girl who is so into keeping her pubic area hair-free that she actually plucks the hairs out. Previous girlfriends had trimmed a bit off the top, but none plucked themselves hairless! Since we got together, my girlfriend has asked me to do the plucking for her, and I have happily obliged. This has been going on for about five months. Now the tables (or the tweezers) have been turned: She wants to pluck me. I'll admit it: I'm a wimp and I don't want to experience the pain of plucking. She claims that this is unfair, since I pluck her. I've reminded her that she asks me to pluck her, not the other way around. Now she's growing out her bush to spite me, although our sex life remains passionate. I trust your opinion, Dan. Am I being a hypocrite?
Plucker Not Pluckee"

Dan's answer: "No, you're not being a hypocrite. Let's say I enjoy being hit in the face with a cream pie during sex. It would be within my rights to ask my boyfriend to indulge me in my passion for pies, and it would be decent of him to do so. But indulging me in my passion does not obligate my boyfriend to submit to being hit with cream pies himself.

So, yes, I believe your girlfriend should allow you to continue plucking her without demanding the same right in return. However! You have come to enjoy plucking your girlfriend, and you prefer your girlfriend plucked. She would prefer you plucked—and your enjoyment of plucking/plucked gives her some leverage. Blackmail is an ugly business, PNP, and I'm afraid your girlfriend has the advantage. To wit: Just because she enjoys being plucked doesn't mean she has to allow you to pluck her. If she wants to remain unplucked so that you will endure a plucking to regain the right to pluck her, well, that's her right."

Elsewhere...Apparently, the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 was cause for concern over at { amazon.com } From the files of { Mouth Organ } comes Dear Prudish : "This is probably beneath me, but on the other hand, if Amazon is going to make people's comments on their merchandise public, then it is open season for me to comment on those comments, yes?

Anyway, the item linked above, assuming it is a stable link, is the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 racing broom. That's right. It's a toy broomstick, pretty much actual size. You ride it. (There's a picture on the page.)

The toy, of course, does not actually fly - which I'm sure will be a disappointment for some of the more literal-minded kids out there - but at least one Concerned Parent believes that a child might find some unintended uses for the thing.

In a comment entitled "Keep the batteries out!" which I'm quoting in full here because I have no idea how long Amazon will leave it up, this parent (gender unknown, and sadly it could be either one), says:

This toy was #1 on my daughter's Christmas list. So what the heck, although it has no educational value I figured it would be good for imaginative play. It wasn't until after she opened her gift and started playing with it that I realized that the toy may offer a more than sensational experience. The broomstick has cute sound effects and ***VIBRATES*** when they put it between their legs to fly. Come on - what were the creators of this toy thinking? She'll keep playing with the Nimbus 2000, but with the batteries removed.

What were the creators thinking? Probably that children are relatively innocent.

Dear Concerned Parent:

Number one, your kid isn't going to notice. She'll just think it's cool, and by that I mean a non-sexual kind of cool. The vibration probably isn't powerful enough to do anything of the sort anyway.

Number two, if she does manage to get THAT sort of thrill from the vibrating broom, great. She'll have learned something. She won't be zooming around the house stimulating herself, if that's what you're worried about. And if it gives her a head start on learning about her anatomy after bedtime, great.

Number three, lighten up, you fool. People all over the country are laughing at your comment. Or at least I hope they are.

Imagined Bodies

memo — Wed, 18 Sep 2002 16:51:11 GMT

There is no doubt that for many people a { tattoo } on the body serves as some kind of marker--identity, gender, class, race, sexuality and so forth comes to mind, and that these markers have individual, cultural, even communal meaning. In a way, I think tattoos can point out how identities develop over a period of time--for instance, in tracing my friend Josh's tattoos from the first one of a cougar on the shin of his left leg which he had engraved as a teenager, to the ying/yang sign he now sports on his right arm which he had engraved recently, (there are others also) I could probably make some interesting guesses to his state of mind or his sense of self/identity from the first tattoo to his latest.

I could be wrong of course in my guestimations, but from all our discussions, I'm pretty sure I am on the right track in terms of having some insight into how he has evolved throughout his years.

A few years ago I myself had contemplated getting a tattoo but for the life of me I never could figure out which symbol/icon best represented me in my opinion, though I highly considered the Libra scales but also, I didn't want to do it just from the sheer fact that it could be fun and that other friends were getting into body art and either had tattoos or had decided to have their bodies tattooed. And then, there was the question of where on my body did I want this symbol of my identity etched-- did I want it stored away from prying eyes or out there for everyone to see--needless to say, in the end, I decided it just wasn't my thing.

Earrings and toerings were my thing and the more unusual the design as long as they were either silver, amber or black, the better, so I just stuck with that. But getting back to tattoos, this entry came about because of a strange one I saw while riding on the train yesterday. It may not be strange to you but I almost gasped when I saw it--cat paws treading across the upper portion of a girl's boobs. They weren't tiny cat's paws which I thought would perhaps have been more cute, but large (and I take back the word "treading" I used before, for TRAMPLING seems a better description) paws trampling across her chest. I was shocked! A couple of people snickered or just glared at her as if to say, "what the hell was she thinking!"

In any case, I just figured that to her, she conceived of the cat's paws as being to some degree representative of who she is--a feline maybe, someone who is territorial maybe... who knows. All in all, it's life and we're all in it for the experience. I was otherwise reminded by how life and people are fascinating, complex and entertaining.

Sweating The Small Stuff

memo — Tue, 17 Sep 2002 18:10:45 GMT

Been having computer problems lately which I thought was fixed a few days ago but the problem persists. All kinds of errors occur whenever I would turn the 'puter on and provided that it loads windows successfully, the mouse cursor would go nuts and then the whole thing would freeze, at which time the 'puter would automatically turn itself off. Sigh! I've reconciled myself to the idea that I have to purchase a new one.

Currently, I'm using the notebook computer I purchased a couple of years ago. It was a welcome addition to the desktop and served me well at college where, instead of waiting on the line in the library for a computer to become available, or waiting for other available computers in the various computer rooms on campus, this notebook was a blessing. It's really small however, about the size of one of those black and white composition books and while it's useful for wordprocessing tasks, it's not really useful for browsing the internet. For instance, websites using CSS stylesheets are not rendered properly on screen and scrolling can become quite tedious.

Nevertheless, in the few days that I haven't been able to load windows and log on to the Internet from the comfort of my preferred desktop I've felt somewhat isolated. But it took this to make me realize how much a part of my life the computer has become. Of course, I knew that already but pretty much took it for granted. Last night a classmate of mine from college asked how I could stand it. "Just the idea of it sitting there and not working would drive me mad" she said.

It dawned on me that the computer seems to have an almost religious importance for many people. While some may groan about the drudgery of having to complete projects or assignments for work or school or having to log on to retrieve email and other such seemingly mundane tasks, seldom is there talk of the secret pleasure we feel at being able to just browse through our computers at random when the mood strikes or logging on to the Internet to feel a sense of connection to the Others out there. It's incomprehensible really. I can't really describe it, but it is as if the idea of being able to "log on" fulfills a need for ritual.

A professor once told me that after a hectic day, the most relaxing time for him was at nights just before bed when he would log on to MSNBC or the New York Times online with a cup of tea nearby and read the latest news, or just browse the Internet and see what was there.

Of course, an attachment to one's computer can be pathetic, but it's all in the way the user goes about it I think. For instance, a friend of mine had frequent quarrels with her boyfriend about his computer use. It was a sort of control issue--if they had a disagreement about something he would neglect her and sit at the computer for hours sometimes, just to irk her, and the silence which ensued would drive her nuts until she gave in and they reached some kind of truce--depending on what their disagreement was about in the first place.

More often though, I think in a way, the computer is a throwback to the times when we would wait days for the mail to arrive from the post office from a loved one. I mean, we may all be businesspeople or students or professors or whatever, but these days we can't shake the urge to check our email right away to retrieve the email someone sent us.

However we think about computers one thing is for sure. These days it is a simple necessity.

End of Day Reflections

memo — Thu, 12 Sep 2002 04:36:32 GMT

A somber day indeed. I watched the faces on the tube of all who gathered today at Ground Zero--ethnic groups from all walks of life. Flipping channels I came across similar faces from neighborhoods in every State around the country and also around the world. How politically incorrect I must be I thought to myself, as several times over I only wished to forget 9/11/01. But wishing it so and being granted that wish are two different things. Someone told me I'm in denial. Someone else told me it's understandable.

"Where do you think God was on that day?" (9/11/01) asks Jacob over at[ Fuzzy Blogic ]. We've heard variants of this question before--Where was God when it hurts? How could God let this happen? Is there really a God? Where was He? Where was your God? Where was my God? etc., and the answers too are as individually, ethnically and culturally diverse as the crowd gathered today at Ground Zero.

Having no satisfying answer of my own I've found the following words written by songwriter Bruce Deboer rather comforting: "I know where God was the morning of September 11, 2001 and He was very busy. He was busy trying to create obstacles for employees at the World Trade Center...After all, only around 20,000 were at the towers when the 1st jet hit. Since the buildings held over 50,000 workers this was a miracle in itself. How many of the people who were employed at the World Trade Center told the media that they were late for work or or they were stuck due to traffic delays.

He was holding up Two 110 story buildings so that 2/3 of the workers could get out. It was so amazing that the top of the towers didn't topple as the jets impacted. And when they did fall they fell inward. God didn't allow them to topple over as many more lives would have been lost.

And when the buildings did collapse God picked up thousands of His brave children and carried them home with Him...Reassuring His other frighten children that they were safely in His care.

He sat down and cried that 19 of His children could have so much hate in their hearts.

...So if anyone asks, where was your God on [9/11/2001]...
you can say everywhere...And although this is without a doubt the worst thing I have seen in my life, I can see God's miracles in every bit of it...I can't imagine going
through such a difficult time and not
believing in God...Life would seem hopeless."

Degrees of Comparison

memo — Sun, 08 Sep 2002 18:11:37 GMT

Asked, "what are you going to be when you grow up?" my son responded, "I don't know yet." His answer was firm, accurate and final and he continued his homework seemingly without another thought to the question and more interested in looking up the defintion of the words "biophobia, biophile and biophilia," which was assigned by his new classroom teacher on the first day of returning to school after the summer holidays. I shuddered as memories of my childhood when I was always asked that question--seemed like on a regular basis--came flooding back.

I recalled that if I was around my parents especially my mother when asked that question, I would grow anxious and felt hard pressed to answer with some kind of worthwhile job description or professional title and would say something like: "I'm going to be a doctor when I grow up," for the look she eyed me with before I would answer was one which said, "you better say something sensible/worthwile (or else...)"

These days the questions most asked of me is "where are you from? what do you do?" and of course I provide the typical small talk answer describing location and job title. Speaking of which, I read somewhere that the next most interesting question along these lines is usually "where are you going?" I agree it is an interesting question but for me, this would take sometime (maybe a lifetime)to explain.

Now how about this question: "where were you and what were you doing on 9/11/01?" Hmm...My personal answer to this is something I doubt I'll ever forget for the rest of my life. Perhaps this quote from Great Expectations summarizes it best: "That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day."{ Chapter 9 }

Don't know why but Dickens' opening in { A Tale Of Two Cities }also comes to mind whenever I reflect upon the day of September 11, 2001..."It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."